i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
