He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
