Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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