Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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