im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
