Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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