I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
