i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
