the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
