I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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