EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
