His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
