Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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