the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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