Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
