i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
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so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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