If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
