3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
actually, I'm a sock model
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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