We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
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I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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