I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
