I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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