From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
