I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Sober January is a disaster.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
