I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.