You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
