he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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