There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
