remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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