So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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