I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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