my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
