I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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