I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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