i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
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Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
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I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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