Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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