Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
