Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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