I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
