I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
