I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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