just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
