I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
