I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
