i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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