I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
