Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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