I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
