Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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