New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
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At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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