Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The ass gains better be worth it
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