He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
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Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
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You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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