Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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