I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
